Love off-screen

I went to the cinema with my friend last weekend to catch the new rom-com that was on. I saw a reused plot with alarming gender dynamics but my friend on the other hand found it to be the most “heart-touching” romance ever. At first, I thought ‘Okay, to each their own.’ But then she started fawning over the dashing, debonair (to be read as unrealistic and too good to be true) male protagonist. And then she went on a rant about her boyfriend, a good, sensible guy in my opinion – how he doesn’t surprise her with grand gestures, doesn’t give her roses on every date and how their story wasn’t perfect enough. Perplexed, I asked her what exactly her idea of romance was, and she answered without missing a beat, “Anything that is screen-worthy, that’s good romance.” That answer left me troubled, because theatrical love is rarely ever realistic, and more importantly, often gives viewers problematic beliefs with respect to love. And I’m sure, my friend here isn’t the only victim of the oversimplification of relationships presented by movies. So, let’s break all these ultimately unhealthy beliefs before they get the better of us.

The biggest delusion we have because of movies must be the idea of a perfect, 100% compatible partner, someone that completes our sentences, someone who’s our other half, a soulmate. Firstly, I think the sooner we accept that 100% compatibility just isn’t possible, the happier we’d be in our relationships because there’s no one out there that’s tailor-made for us. And as for the idea of a soulmate or someone that completes you – no one but you can ever complete yourself. You are your only constant in life, you can’t rely on anyone more than you can rely on yourself because there isn’t going to be a knight in shining armour waiting around the corner to save you despite what movies may tell you. And another thing is that you can’t employ someone to love you for you – how can you expect someone to love you when you can’t love yourself? So, strive to love yourself first before seeking to love and be loved.

Going on, films contribute to building certain gender dynamics in the minds of viewers. For instance, women are portrayed as coy, helpless and hyperfeminine while men are fit into the role of strong saviours with a supposedly sound moral compass. This in turn, enforces harmful gender stereotypes because women are encouraged to adopt a feeble persona while men are encouraged to embrace the bad-boy persona. The bad boy, with staggering testosterone levels, is a violent and aggressive character that normalizes vulgarity. Their pushy, inappropriate behaviour is shrugged off with the good ol’ ‘boys will be boys.’ This makes women more likely to accept or tolerate what is actually very inacceptable behaviour, like not taking ‘no’ for an answer, or coercion in many aspects.

Movies are always too rosy, all about grand gestures and happily-ever-afters, and we often get swayed because of these delusions, believing that’s how things work in real life, but they don’t, do they? Love in real life can be unpleasant, it’s like that ugly sweater your grandma made you but, it’s also the sweater that you wear anyway. Like, your first time engaging in sex can’t possibly be as magical as movies make it to be, it can’t be all rose petals and candles –  it will probably be all awkwardness. Or like, the guy you love won’t chase you down through an airport to stop you from leaving, love means you have to let go sometimes.

Love isn’t about love at first sight; it’s about taking the time to get to know each other. Love isn’t about champagne, roses and jewellery; it’s about listening to their rants when you have zero interest or sharing olives from your pasta with them because you know how much they love olives. Love isn’t about perfection and flawless partners; it’s imperfect, it’s recognition and acceptance of your partner’s flaws and loving them all the same.  Love doesn’t mean that you’re inseparable; it means you respect their space as well. Love doesn’t mean that you can’t live without them; it means that you are whole on your own but they make life happier. Love isn’t easy and effortless; you have to work for it like you work for anything else in life. Love isn’t always exciting; it is boring sometimes. And love is committing to someone, despite all of that love isn’t.