penance

I hold the icy pleasure in my hands
Admiring it for a moment,
Before allowing it to plant a chilling kiss on my skin
Flesh dead white at first
And then beads of red appear
A pleasing sting following shortly
Turning into a raging fire
As I dig deeper still
And the beads of red turn into tiny rivulets,
Running down my arm

Eyes glazed with a feverish ecstasy
I let out a ragged breath
As pain washes over me in waves
A pulsing, frothing ravine
Gushing with a river red
A dull throbbing at the back of my head
As pain and pleasure morph into one

But a short-lived ecstasy is all it is,
For then tears threaten to spill
Shame and hopelessness take over
For the realization that nothing changed dawns on

I stare at all the other smooth oblong bumps
Clustered together on my arm
Red and ugly
Sensitive reminders of weakness

But I crave that control,
That control of playing with life
The life coursing in my veins
Mere millimeters away from my working hand

And so I indulge
Again and again
Till my veins run dry
And my perverse mind I gratify
Again and again
Till my morbid penance is served
But surely one that I deserve.